Alone again, naturally

I have been single for three and a bit years. Big whoop. It even feels strange to say it. I hate the maudlin 'im single' moments, which have come and gone (obviously, given that its been THREE FRICKING YEARS PEOPLE, water, bridges, so many bridges). I love being alone. I love being independent. I do. Otherwise i probably wouldn't be. But everyone around me, all my close girlfriends have boyfriends, and loneliness is inevitably creeping in. They always have had boyfriends if I'm honest, but for some reason this year it seems crueller than before. It's not like I haven't HAD boyfriends: I had plenty before uni, some nice, one very special indeed, some average, but I had boyfriends. It happened. The za za zoo was there. I zinged. I sparked. I never seem to any more, and any situations where I vaguely feel like I might have done get wildly blown out of proportion in my head til they drive me even more crazy, and then get deflated rapidly when I realise that actually, it was all in my head. Its intensely infuriating. Especially this yea,r when I've returned, thinner, more secure, more stable, and inevitably I suppose I had envisaged some brilliant Hollywood style romance.

My girls are full of gorgeously kind platitudes - 'there's no one at Oxford for you, are you kidding? You are so much better than any of them, babe, come on'. And the boys are wonderful too, to their credit. But without wishing to sound like a total weener, I would just like someone, somewhere to show an interest. at LEAST a vague bloody interest. Its frustrating to feel this way, frustrating more than anything because I am better than this. I am more than just a relationship with someone else; I've never defined myself through someone else, I've never felt the need to, and yet sometimes, on a cold evening on a lonely cycle ride back to my room, alone, whilst everyone else goes home to their boyfriends, I just can't help it. Grrr. How can this NOT be enough? I have a roof over my head and money enough to eat, wonderful friends, a course that I love, a better relationship with my body than I've had in years, and yet I sit here moping about the fact that I don't have a BOY to share it with? The strangest thing I suppose is that it still matters - one would have thought that after three years of this, of this cycle of disappointment and slight estrangement from everyone would have faded, but no. I'll get there, of course I will, because I just will, but when? When will this be ok rather than just a 'temporary' state of mind? It isn't exactly temporary at the moment. Its very much the normal state of things, the way things have been throughout my university career. Just typing that has made me feel better. So it isn;t temporary; it's just a fact. It will rapidly cease to matter. I have exams in the not-so-distant future, I have countless essays and endless translations, I have excellent friends who don't mind me crashing their dates (YES K). I am popular. I am fun. I am successful. I should probably stop moaning and go to bed. And so I shall, alone, again, naturally.

Xxxxx