Money money money

I am useless with money. I am not sure where this has come from. My parents are seriously sensible. My mother's two weaknesses are Toast and bookshops. My father's are boats and kit of any kind. However, they aren't the sort to go out for meals, or buy something without it genuinely being necessary. I, on the other hand, will happily go out for supper and lunch every day of the week, can always justify a new item of clothing, and definitely have to try very hard to rail against my 'have money MUST SPEND IT' instinct. Whilst I am fortunate enough to be able to say that this completely hazardous approach has never landed me in trouble, it's something I frequently attempt to change. Yet the changes never seem to stick.

Take, for example, my Lent no shopping / no eating out vows. They lasted, oooh, all of three weeks. I broke the shopping one after considerable debate, and don't regret it, because the H and M garden collection was limited edition and my new dress and blue shorts are items I was, in fact, genuinely searching for. My eating out transgressions were similarly reasoned - in a foreign city with new pals, being sociable often involves going out for meals, as we all live in teeny studio apartments. My problem, I suppose, is one of restraint and balance. I am quite a black and white person in pretty much everything - either incandescently happy, or deeply, obviously sad, and any academic work is either very good or completely awful. This polarity extends to money as well. I don't mind being useless with money, I just find it a bit embarassing. I am always the first to suggest a meal out, will always pick the brand of pasta sauce that I like, rather than the cheapest, and I love to treat people. Great, in fact wonderful, why on earth is the jammy cow moaning?? I hear you cry. Well, because, it isnt really very grown up of me to be like this. Its actually rather shaming and extremely silly, and I am pretty sure that one day I will just sit down and think 'Why the fuck did you buy all those clothes, and why can't you cook anything other than the real basics?'.

I have tried the whole spreadsheet-budget malark, and read pretty much every article going on the subject. Yet each and every time, the hedonist (or, perhaps more cynically, the part of myself completely and utterly shaped by ceaseless bombardment from advertising screaming 'you're worth it!') seems to win. Which is a bit silly, really. Clothes-wise, I genuinely need a new pair of black ballet pumps, some summer sandals (I somehow doubt that Senegalese plastic flip-flops will cut it in Paris) and a black blazer, but apart from that I really shouldn't be spending a penny. Instead, I should be saving, like any sensible person would, for the proverbial rainy day. But the rainy day leaves me depressed, and I simply think 'Well, when the rainy day comes at least I shall have (insert that perfect item of clothing you have just seen on ASOS and simply must have here) and it will make me smile always'. So, instead, I shall save for something tangible, something real, something I have alwasy dreamed of. That way, if the rainy day comes along, the money will be there, but if it doesn't, I will hopefully have something to contribute to a week's holiday to New York. L is about to be whisked there by her big sister for a week as 21st gift, and if I didn't love her so much I would be savagely jealous. New York is my dream destination. I want to go in summer 2011, and if I do sensible things, like buying subscriptions to Vogue, Elle and Grazia, rather than buying them each and every month (or week), not buying clothes unless there is a genuine need (which is clearly distinguishable from a want, because a need is a dull thing to shop for and a want a visceral thrill) and actually budgeting my weekly supermarket trip and planning my meals out, it shouldn't be too hard to save up a tidy sum. I intedn to strengthen my resolve with a piece of paper in my wallet reminding me how much I have already spent this year, on not very much at all, and hopefully, hopefully, that should do the trick...XxX